


The Pill I Keep Taking (Beautiful Trauma)

by SomewhereDowntown



Category: Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Alternate Universe - No Band, Bisexual Josh Dun, Brendon And Ryan Are Married, Epilepsy, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), More tags to be added fam, Multiple Personalities, Pete is a heroin addict, Seizures, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Their Names Are Miles And Lucas, Trans Ryan Ross, they have two kids
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-02-14 23:34:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13018557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomewhereDowntown/pseuds/SomewhereDowntown
Summary: Tyler Joseph had been locked away at Sebastian's since he was 11 years old. That's when it happened. When Everyone appeared inside his head. They made him do things he didn't want to do and so, he was dangerous.Josh Dun was an asshole. No easy or simple way to put it. He was a mess of cocaine, codeine and anxiety, only made worse by the lives he ruined and the hearts he broke every night. He wasn't going to live past 25 whether he died by his own hand or his own stupidity.His parents sent him to Saint Sebastian's Wellness Institution where Josh was hurled down a path that made his head spin...And all because he met a boy with weird drawings on his arms and more than one person inside his head.





	1. Chapter 1 - Unwelcome Guests

**Author's Note:**

> Okay hey, So my name is SomewhereDowntown and this is my first pic published and posted on here so I'm a little new and nervous... yeah.
> 
> So this is the one fic I keep working on and I'm pretty happy with it so yeah I'll update when I can and once I write a bit more I'll try to start a posting schedule. 
> 
> Thanks and happy reading
> 
> ¬ SomewhereDowntown

Tyler had been locked away in since he was 11 years old. That's when it happened. When Everyone appeared inside his head.

His brain overworked, overanalysed, overcompensated. Tried to fix something that wasn’t broken. Fit more than one person in a mind way too small for Tyler himself.

But, why?

He couldn't remember. Why are they here? He can’t think because everything inside his mind is darkdarkdark, lightlightlight, BlurryBlurryBlurry. Confusing.

Tyler was torn from his self-reflection as a door somewhere slammed shut and his earphones were pulled from his ears by a passing nurse. Honestly, where was the consent in this place? They could have just asked and he would have taken them out. Begrudgingly, but still, it was the principle of the thing. 

Tyler huffed recovering from the shock of the door slamming, the lack of music pounding into his brain and slowly lifted his eyes to the person that was marched into the room. One guard either side, one more behind. A special. Like him. That means multiple reasons for being in this hellhole. 

Then Tyler looked directly at the boy.

Long sleeves, shaved head, hollow cheeks, red eyes.

Red eyes.

Tyler felt his heart contract in fear. Red eyes. Black crawling slowly, creepily over his hands and around his neck. 

Tyler was petrified. He couldn’t move. 

Slowly he pulled himself together and raised his eyes to look at the new boy again. Still the same shaved head, hollow cheeks and now that Tyler was studying the boy's face, a nose piercing he hadn’t seen before. But no, his eyes were a normal shade of brown, bloodshot but definitely not the vivid red he’d seen a second before. 

‘Stop it’ he whispered under his breath willing Blurry to just shut up, stop hijacking his eyes and let him have today. 

The girl sitting next to him gave him a funny look and shuffled uncomfortably in her seat. ‘Honestly, you’re in a fucking mental institution and you’re weirded out by people talking to themselves! Amateur’ Tyler sighed, eyes still following the new boy. The girl made a shocked, affronted noise and turned her body away from him huffily. Tyler smirked to himself. He hadn’t meant to say that out loud but the girls' reaction had been totally worth it.

Reg was laughing and Tyler’s mind was whirling.

For some reason, the new boy had caught Everyone’s attention and their voices were so loud. To Tyler at least. Tyler found his gaze moving from the fixed spot on the floor he usually looked at during these stupid group therapy sessions and back to this scary, nameless boy sitting very nearly across from him. Judah saw that his hands were shaking and his eyes were glazed over, head twitching minutely towards the left.

‘Ahhhh’ Tyler thought ‘Withdrawal’, He’d seen so many beautiful boys and girls come in and out of the doors to this place. They were all the same, cigarette thin with gaunt eyes and shaking hands. Side effects of the drugs they worshipped. 

“Hands are so awesome when you really look at them’ Tyler thought to himself, humming slightly.

Tyler caught himself looking at Nameless Boy’s shaking hands again. They were pulling at the sleeves of the shirt he was wearing. Tyler wanted to kiss them. The boy's hands had little freckles running across the backs, callouses on the palms and his knuckles had scars running down them. Tyler’s chest ached. 

The scars weren’t like Tyler’s.

No. Ten made sure of that. Tyler's scars were neatly ordered and stood in perfect lines like soldiers. No. Nameless Boy’s scars were real. Made by life. Boxing maybe, or a fight. 

Not Tyler's. Tyler made his scars all by himself. Well not really. Tyler’s scars are from someone who would become a different person and slice his thighs open at night. A broken person who would come too later on sitting alone in his shower, or his bedroom, or his car or a hospital bed. 

God Tyler despised himself.

Again he was snapped from his reverie by Doctor Urie beginning to speak. Everyone inside Tyler hated that man. With his too-tall hair and perfect teeth and coloured suit jackets. 

Doctor Black was better.

Tyler loved her. Doctor Black had hair that was sometimes blonde and sometimes pink and sometimes blue, eyes like the sky and a soothing voice. But she wasn’t here and Doctor Urie was still talking. 

God just SHUT UP. What topic will it be today, hmm? Love or family, no! Maybe it would be Reasons Why or Life-Is-Worth-Living! 

“Today's topic will be regret” Tyler heard the radio presenter voice say. Hmmm, that’s a new one. This could get interesting. 

Nevermind.

Tyler rolled his eyes and sighed as person after person gave soppy answers about how much they regret what they did and Doctor Urie gave textbook responses that Tyler himself could have thought up.

Finally, it came to Nameless Boy.

‘Josh, what do you regret, hmm?’ said Urie. 

Josh. 

Tyler smiled inwardly, it was the perfect name for the brooding boy very nearly across from him. The other boy looked at Doctor Urie blankly and rolled his eyes, shaking his head. 

‘What not one profound thought?’ pressed the Doctor in a really annoying, would-be-caring voice. Josh just looked at him and shook his head again.

The sides of Tyler’s mouth quirked up at the other boy’s blatant refusal to put up with Doctor Urie. It was exactly the thing Reg told him to do every time Urie opened his mouth.

Tyler jumped. He felt the tap-tap-tapping in his brain that meant one of the Others wanted to come out. It was irregular and loud, beating like a kick drum inside his, Tyler’s, head. No. NoNoNoNoNO. He thought he was done. 

“Hey there Goner..”

The phrase echoed and bounced around Tyler’s mind.

Tyler shook his head, feeling his heart skip and hearing the small, soft sounds he made as he choked back the words being formed in his throat. 

The tapping was louder now, more insistent. Painful. Like a drill. Tears slowly made tracks down Tyler's face and dripped off his nose. He didn’t want to do this. Not Today. 

God, he was almost at 7 months without an episode. 

Josh looked up as quiet sounds made it through to his numb mind. There was a boy across the circle crying.

Why was he crying?

Suddenly, the boy spoke. 

‘No no no, please stop, please stop.’

Josh watched as the boy’s head suddenly snapped towards the ground and his head and neck twitched violently. He watched as the boy’s leg began to shake and more tears fell from his eyes, dripping and bleeding into the jeans he was wearing. Josh didn’t know what to do.

Tyler had the rooms attention now, with people beginning to talk quietly to their neighbours. Roland sighed angrily. 

The boy’s head was twitching again, the rest of his body convulsing.

Doctor Urie (whose real name was Brendon and were actually a pretty good person despite what Tyler seemed to think) sat quietly through the whole ordeal. He knew what was going on. 8 years ago back when he was fresh-faced and straight out of University, he’d been assigned to 11-year-old Tyler Joseph. The boy was small and shy, hardly ever speaking when spoken too preferring to mumble quietly under his breath to people that weren’t there. It was his very first day when he saw an episode for the first time. 

It was less than two weeks before Brendon had met Everyone. 

‘Some’ Brendon thought to himself ‘Are a lot nicer than others’. 

Tyler’s episodes were always the same. He would shake and stutter for around 30 seconds and then straighten up a different person. Today was different though. Longer. It meant Tyler was fighting.

The room sat in silence for 2 minutes until Tyler (or not-Tyler) stopped shaking and straightened up slowly.

Doctor Urie got up and, walking slowly, moved to crouch in front of the boy in question. 

‘Vess?’ Brendon tried hopefully ‘Reg?’.

Not-Tyler spat in his face.

‘Ten?’ Brendon asked again, wiping his face with his sleeve.

‘Nope, not today. Ten got his turn last night. Oh, he had so much fun with Goner, it was beautiful! I was proud. Goner was tap-tap-tapping all night “Stop it Ten I don’t want anymore! No. We told you legs only! TEN!”. Very annoying but we got results all the same’. A wretched, menacing voice hissed out. 

Doctor Urie’s eyes widened and glanced down at Not-Tyler’s legs and then back to the boys face. It was twisted into a cruel sneer. Doctor Urie backed up slowly.

Guards flooded the room in a matter of minutes and pulled Tyler from his chair, 

‘No, NO! Don’t lock me up again!’ 

he pleaded, the raspy voice from before gone. Josh’s eyes widened and he pushed himself up from his seat, attempting to make his way across the room and towards the boy. Brendon was on his feet quicker than blinking. He couldn’t let anyone near Tyler now. Josh jumped as Doctor Urie grabbed onto his shoulders and held him back. Josh struggled against the doctor, raking his nails down the suit-covered arms, trying to make him let go.

Blurry noticed Josh’s efforts and smirked, 

‘Save me, pretty boy! Oh how Goner would like that. If it was your freckly, beautiful hands that pulled us free!’. 

Josh was confused. Us?

Then the boy’s real voice rang out. 

‘Blurry stop, please stop. Leave him ALONE’.

‘Never’ the menacing voice from before hissed ‘Goodbye beautiful boy I hope I see you again. Goner certainly does!’ And Not-Tyler collapsed into manic, hysterical laughter.

Josh was left in shock as the boy was finally pulled from the room, still laughing and screaming as he went. 

What the hell had he gotten himself into?


	2. Chapter 2 - Josh Really Hates Having Feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is Chapter 2...Hope you like it :)
> 
> Yeah this one might be a bit heavy and yah so thats just a small little warning
> 
> Also as it's tagged and mentioned quite a bit, Tyler has Multiple Personality Disorder. Yeah so he has 5 alters based of the albums he has written and when he's talking about them he calles them Everyone. Here's a list of their names and personalities:
> 
> Ten - very depressed and suicidal, is the main cause of Ty’s self-harm and anxiety, is a bit of a dick  
> Titled - less depressed but still suicidal, is super shy and quiet, the baby of all the alters  
> Reg - has minor depressive episodes but is usually super sassy, chill and funny, knows how to get anything you want from the Outside  
> Vess - extremely sassy, is pretty camp and loves pale blues and greys, flirty, sometimes anxious and depressive, fem  
> Blurry - Like Ten but 100 times worse, extremely volatile, is the reason for Ty’s multiple suicide attempts  
> Tren - Least active out of all Ty’s alters, cryptic as hell, loves floral, YELLOW!, likes Josh the most (after Ty of course), fem
> 
> Thanks and happy reading
> 
> ~ SomewhereDowntown

Josh woke up retching. He clawed his way out of the sticky tangle of sheets and lurched towards the bathroom on the other side of the room. He spent the rest of the night sweating and leaning against the wall next to the toilet, shaking from the cold that he couldn’t feel. Being cut off fucking sucked. 

 

Needless to say, Josh was not a happy bunny in the morning. He trudged down to breakfast with a disgustingly bad headache and craving everything he was forbidden to have. God, what he’d do for a line. Or even a panadol. At this point, Josh didn’t really care. 

 

As he sat swirling soggy cornflakes around his bowl with a spoon he heard people talking at the table directly behind him. Talking about the “New Boy”. 

 

Josh rolled his eyes. He hated gossip and he hated people who gossiped. 

 

Suddenly, he felt a tapping on his shoulder. Josh shook the hand off him and whirled around with a scowl, ready to punch whoever had dared to touch him. He was facing a short punk boy with fingerless skeleton gloves on his hands. 

 

‘Frank?’ Josh asked incredulously, eyes widening. 

 

‘Yeah, man long time no see’ Frank smiled sadly, ‘Got here like 5 months ago’.

 

Now everything was clicking into place, Gerard’s missing persons investigation, Franks volatile and erratic behaviour while he was gone eventually leading to an overdose, his parents saying he had transferred to a boarding school far away from anything. It had never made much sense to Josh. Now it did.

 

Frank was at Saint Sebastian’s. Josh wanted to cry. He remembered when Frank was a nobody who sat with Ray, Gerard and his weird brother Mikey on the steps of the school they all went to. He also remembered the day that Gerard disappeared and how he’d caught Frank crying around the back of the science block as he made his way there to smoke through 7th period.

 

Josh had been there for Frank as he cried about how he was so worried about Gerard. Josh sat with his arm around the smaller boy, taking hits from a joint and listening as he ranted and sobbed. 

 

Eventually, Frank pulled himself together and smiled up at Josh wetly, 

 

‘Thanks for that man’ he said sheepishly. Josh shook his head,

 

‘No problemo dude ‘cept my shirt’s kinda wet now’ Frank sniffed and then laughed, making grabby hands at the joint in Josh’s own. 

 

And there it all started, with tiny little Frank Iero smoking pot with Josh around the back of the school during 7th period.

 

Josh fucked him up so bad. 

 

It started out with Josh and Frank smoking together every day after school but Frank went too hard, too fast. He moved on to harder stuff and Josh just didn’t care, too busy chasing his own highs to worry about anything on the ground around him. Gerard would be so ashamed. 

 

But then Gerard had been gone 5 months and Frank had finally overdosed in the bathroom of a party and Josh knew he should have cared more, tried harder, done anything he could have to save the tiny punk boy. Gerard was so mad when he came back. 

 

‘Wow..’ Josh said still deep in thought, absently pulling at his sleeves as he looked at Frank again, ‘Wow dude that’s a long time to spend in rehab. Jesus.’ Frank chuckled and nodded,

 

‘Yeah I guess so but there are people that’ve been in this place for years so like 5 months isn’t really that long. Anyways fuck talking ‘bout this place, how’s everybody on the outside, huh? How’s Ray and Mikes? How’s Gerard?!’ He finished excitedly, his eyes shining.

 

Josh just blinked stupidly. Frank didn’t know. He didn’t know that his boyfriend died two months ago. He hadn’t been told. 

 

Why had nobody told him?!

 

Josh couldn’t forget what it felt like to wake up that night and realise Gerard’s house was on fire. He couldn’t forget Mikey’s face as he was held back, screaming for Gerard. He couldn’t forget Mrs Way’s choking, dry sobs as the firemen came out without him. He couldn’t forget what it was like to lose his best friend.

 

One week later they buried an empty coffin. Two days after that Josh painted his bedroom window black so he didn’t have to see the charred and blackened remains of the Way’s old house. One month later the Way’s moved away to New Jersey. Josh didn’t know anything that happened after that. He smoked all day for a week and then did it all again with cocaine the next few. He couldn’t be sober without Gerard.

 

‘Dude what the hell?! How is everybody?’

 

Josh shook his head slightly and pushed Frank’s hand away, which had been clicking annoyingly in front of his face. Josh hated himself for what he was about to do but it had to be done, 

 

‘Look it was nice talking to you and whatever, like seeing you again’ Josh said ‘But honestly I don’t give a fuck about what’s going on out there. It’s not my problem anymore.

 

Josh felt his heart contract and an ache form in his chest as Frank’s face fell and his excited smile faded from his face. God, Josh hated this. He’d already ruined Frank's life once before, Hell would freeze over before he did it again.  He’d just have to tell a therapist or someone and they could deal with Frank's reaction. 

 

‘Josh what’s going on wit-’ But Josh cut him off, 

 

‘Look Frank just leave me alone. Just stay away from me. We’re not friends, okay, so just fuck off. ‘

 

He pushed himself out of his chair and stalked towards the door, Franks sad, confused face already too much for him to handle. Josh sniffed and wiped under his nose as he reached the threshold of the room, an involuntary reaction for something his body was craving. 

 

He felt sick. He was sick.

 

He felt himself shaking as he walked down the corridor to his room. Josh’s legs gave out meters before his door. Josh couldn’t stop thinking about Frank's face as he walked away. Crestfallen, confused and halfway to devastated. He felt like he couldn’t breathe and yup, there was that painful block you get in your throat when you’re trying not to cry. 

 

Frank had pulled up all the memories he’d been trying to fade away with drugs and wash away with alcohol. Fuck, he missed Gerard so much. All Josh wanted was to get drunk and forget. He had begun to cry. 

 

The hot tears ran down his face and into his mouth, some dripping off his chin. He pulled up his knees and pushed his back against the cold wall behind him, resting his forehead on his knees and letting the sobs tear through his body. Josh didn’t care. He had never gotten the chance to properly grieve for his friend. Instead, he bottled up the feelings and numbed them with drugs, not letting his brain be sober long enough to realise Gerard was gone forever. 

 

Josh couldn’t breathe with how hard he was crying. 

 

He didn’t know how long he’d been sitting alone in the hallway when a group of people came around the corner. Josh looked up for the first time in a while. 

 

His eyes met the boy from yesterdays. He was being walked down the hallway by two guards, doctors and a crying woman following behind. The eye contact felt like it held for a million years. Brown met brown and Josh’s pulse sped up. He couldn’t bear to blink or tear his eyes from the other boy’s. Josh felt a completely different kind of ache bloom inside his chest. He didn’t know how to feel. He wanted to punch a wall. 

 

The boy's eyes broke away and looked blankly at the floor, a pinkish blush spreading across his cheeks and up the back of his neck. Josh stared. He was actually kinda pretty. The boy turned away and continued to walk down the hall, complacent to the guards standing either side of him. Josh kept on staring.

 

The younger of the two doctors walking behind the trio looked curiously at Josh and he dropped his eyes. It was the therapy doctor from yesterday, Doctor Urie. Josh peeked out from between his arms and saw the doctor wave away his colleague and the woman and the boy before turning and kneeling down to face him. 

 

Josh was done crying. His chest was aching and his eyes stung and smarted but he just couldn’t stop. He hadn’t let himself feel emotion for so long and despite the pain, it felt somehow good to let it all out. 

 

But not while Doctor Urie was crouched in front of him.

 

‘Hey there. It’s Josh isn’t it?’

 

Josh hit his forehead on his knees but then looked up, sniffing and wiping his eyes. 

 

‘Yeah,’ He said in a weak voice ‘Yeah, I’m Josh what do you want?’ Josh finished rudely. Doctor Urie smiled comfortingly and shook his head a little, 

 

‘Nothing big Josh don’t worry. I just want to know what’s wrong? Can you tell me why you’re crying? Can you do that for me, huh?’

 

Josh put his head back on his knees and didn’t look up when he spoke next. 

 

‘No’

 

Josh didn’t see anything, looking only at the inside of his eyelids, but he heard the doctor sigh as he sat down next to him. 

 

‘It’s okay Josh, that’s okay. Do you mind if I shit here with you though?’

 

‘Fine.’

 

The pair sat in silence for what seemed an hour before Josh worked up the courage to speak again. 

 

‘My best friend-’ Josh broke off mid-sentence, the pain in his throat and heart reaching a climax. Doctor Urie put a hand on his shoulder and Josh nodded. 

 

He tried again,

 

‘Okay so my best friend Ge-Gerard died 2 months ago and I guess it’s only just h-h-hitting me that he’s really gone forever. His house caught fire and they couldn't get him out in time. They don’t know if it was an accident or a suicide. Gerard used to love fire. He thought it was beautiful. So he could have decided to die that way. Either way he, h-he burned alive.’

 

Tears had started to track down Josh’s face again. 

 

‘It was so fucking terrible to wake up- Sorry. To wake up to his house on fire and when the firefighters told us the stairs to the basement collapsed and they couldn’t get him o-out. It was so so bad. And I-I miss him so much and it feels like my heart doesn’t work properly anymore because he’s not here. I just- Fuck.’ 

 

Josh put his head down on his knees and cried.

 

And for once Dr Urie didn’t know what to do. It broke his heart to look at this young, broken boy crying against the wall in front of him and hear his story.  He felt he owed it to Josh to listen to what he had to say despite the emotions he himself was feeling. He had made up his mind. Fuck the rules. He put his arm around the crying boy and immediately, Josh’s head was buried in his shoulder.

 

After a while Josh lifted his head and continued with his tale, sniffling and wiping under his eyes with the balls of his hands.

 

‘And-and like drugs and stuff made it better you know like you could just forget. It was perfect. But now it’s g-g-gone! Y-you know his boyfriend, Gerard’s, is here in Saint Sebastian’s right now, well his ex-boyfriend I suppose. His name’s Frank I-Iero and yeah...He doesn’t know that Gerard’s...Gerard’s d-dead. And he t-t-t-tried to talk to me today and I p-pushed him away’ Josh was crying harder now, his words becoming more slurred and stuttery. 

 

Okay enough is enough. Doctor Urie pulled himself together and stood up, pulling Josh with him and leading the shaking boy to his room. Once they were inside and Josh was sitting in some pyjamas Doctor Urie spoke again, 

 

‘Okay Josh here’s what we’re going to do alright, I’m going to call a nurse and they’re going to stand outside your room for the next couple of days, is that okay?’ He waited for Josh to look up and nod before continuing. 

 

The doctors heart broke a little more as he saw the silent tears fall down Josh’s face and onto his shirt.  ‘-nd we’re going to activate the monitoring cameras in your room so you don’t do anything stupid these next few nights, and I’m sorry Josh but this point is non-negotiable.’

 

Josh simply nodded again, tired out from crying. The wind rattled the window above the desk and Josh lay down and turned to face the wall as Doctor Urie said a soft “Goodnight” and left the room. 

 

Josh was exhausted. His eyes slowly got heavier and heavier and soon, he fell into a restless, dream-filled sleep. 

 

Brendon sighed and leant against the wall next to the door into Josh’s room. He  _ had _ to try and help the angry, sleeping boy on the other side of the wall. Brendon pulled a hand down his face and started to walk down the hallway, there was still a whole day to get through.


	3. Chapter 3 - Gunpowder Panic Attack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I finally have Chap 3 up which is actually a big relief off my chest. I've spent so long writing and re-writing this and now it's here. (tbh i still think there are things I can change but yeah im reasonably happy with it)
> 
> So I actually have a little short personal life story to tell. A friend of mine in real life (who i trusted immensely to show her this account btw) saw this book thang today and I said 'yeah can you read this and tell me the things to change?'. She just looked at me and she was like 'dude i've already read this'. Soo yeah. A friend in real life read this fic and had no idea that it was me who wrote it lmao. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING ALSO (drug use, drug cravings, panic attack, suicidal thoughts, seizure)
> 
> Thanks and happy reading
> 
> ~Somewhere Downtown

Josh was angry. So angry. He had been told that is was one of his withdrawal symptoms but that did nothing to calm his rage. He was kept to his room for a week, under close observation from a young nurse who stayed outside his room and the boxy camera mounted on his ceiling. This did nothing but fuel his mounting rage and on the evening of the fourth day, he punched the bathroom wall. 

 

He was an explosion in teenage form, ready to destroy himself and everything in his wake. 

 

He stormed through the next week speaking to nobody and glaring angrily at Doctor Urie whenever they were in the same room together. He had told him his biggest secret. Shown him that he, Joshua Dun, had feelings. That he, The King of Feeling Nothing, actually cared. 

 

It was on the evening of Josh’s fourth week at Saint Sebastian's that he found the spark that would send him over the edge. 

 

He was sitting at Josh’s table. 

 

Nobody sat at that table. Josh had made it excruciatingly clear that anyone who sat there would have to deal with him and all his anger he’d bottled up that particular week. Yet, here he was. Sitting at the small, circular table in the corner, eating a slice of toast and staring into space. 

 

‘What the actual fuck’ Josh whispered mutinously under his breath as he stalked over to the table. The boy didn’t look up. Josh threw himself down into the small chair across the table and coughed, rudely and pointedly.  The other boy’s head snapped up and looked at Josh. He had big brown eyes which were smothered in thick black eyeliner and a swoopy fringe that covered half his face. 

 

‘Can I help you?’ The boy asked with an edge to his voice. Josh just scowled and raised an eyebrow. The other boy then began to laugh softly. 

 

Josh’s eyes widened, not sure to feel insulted or not. He decided hostility was the safest bet and he pulled his eyebrows back into the aggressive scowl they had worn moments before. 

 

‘What are you laughing at dickwad?’ He asked harshly, eyes boring into the other boys.  And that’s when Josh noticed something odd. Or rather, something familiar. He had seen it everyday in the mirror before coming here. The boys nose was bleeding sluggishly and his pupils were fully dilated.

 

The boy was high, that much was obvious. It was then Josh took in the boy’s whole appearance. He was almost skeleton thin with tattoos winding up his needle-marked elbows. The boy had been further and deeper into the scene than Josh ever dreamed of going. 

 

The boys hands were shaking, tapping the table in an erratic rhythm, and his jaw was clenched and moving softly. Josh remembered when his dentist had told his parents that he was grinding down his teeth.

 

Cocaine. It had to be.

 

Josh felt his body shiver at the thought of the beautiful, white powder. He reached across the table and grabbed the front of the boys shirt, causing him to utter a squak of protest and then start laughing again as his head lolled back and forth. 

 

‘You’re high.’ Josh stated, not a question but an obvious fact. 

 

‘Yup’ The boy said, popping the P obnoxiously. He leant down and licked one of Josh’s wrists sloppily, causing Josh to let go of the boys shirt with a groan of disgust. 

 

‘The  _ fuck  _ man!’ Josh retaliated, wiping his wrist on the inside of his shirt. The boy across the table was giggling stupidly to himself, lost in a fairyland Josh had been forcefully exiled from. 

 

‘What’s your name?’ Josh asked after regaining the attention of the boy. 

 

‘Pete. Pete. Peter.’ The boy sang happily, ‘Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz the 3rd!’

 

Again, Josh wasn’t sure if the boy was joking or not. He scoffed disbelievingly. Pete was still mumbling his own name under his breath. Josh snapped a few times to get his attention for the third time. 

 

‘Hey! Hey, dude, look at me for a sec. What are you on?’

 

‘Shhh don’t tell’ Pete said manically. Josh’s head was spinning. Just the thought that he could access cocaine or codeine increased his cravings and made the withdrawal a million times worse. His hands were shaking again and he felt like he was going to be sick.

 

Josh push himself back violently and quickly from the table, retching. The back of his brain was screaming at him not to make a scene but that was overpowered by his body’s need for a high. All he wanted was to use. He had heard that the cravings would be bad but had never imagined they would be on this level.

 

His muscles ached and his bones felt so heavy. He retched again, loud gagging noises expelling from his cracked lips. It was too much. He was suffocating. He scrabbled at the neckline of his hoodie, pulling it up over his head, accidentally pulling his shirt off in his violent bid to be free of feeling. 

 

People were looking at him, slowly taking notice of the scene he was making in the back of the cafeteria. He saw Pete, still sitting at the table, begin to scratch his forearms absently. Red marks were appearing where his nails were tracking but he never took his faded eyes off of Josh. 

 

Josh heard the whispers hiss around the room venomously. He saw guards surreptitiously take up positions at every door. He felt his breathing speed up as the withdrawal-induced panic attack set in and his limbs began to shake. He reverted into a corner, crouching down onto the balls of his feet in an attempt to hide from himself. The gunpowder fuse had been lit and Josh was careening into a full on explosion. 

 

There was noise. So much noise. Josh wrapped his arms around his head, in a vain attempt to block it out until he realised that it was coming from him. Screaming, begging, pleading for anything that could take the need and his mind away. 

 

He opened his eyes through the haze inside his head and saw a circle of concerned faces had materialised around him, pushing ever closer, still whispering to each other. 

 

Josh couldn’t comprehend the things his brain was screaming. Pain, drugs, Gee, I want to die, I want to die, please just let me die. The words melded together in too much noise, noise, noise.

 

The shaking was getting worse. All his mind could focus on was the need for anything that could,

 

MAKE.

 

THIS. 

 

STOP. 

 

Josh was vaguely aware that someone was touching his face with soft cold hands, speaking to him in a soothing voice. They ran their hands over Josh's forehead, moving down to cradle his face. Josh tried to focus his brain on the person, his saviour. He only got one look at a pair of soft brown eyes, framed by mascara coated lashes, and a floral kimono before his eyes rolled back into his head and his body began to seize.


	4. Chapter 4 - Narcotic Induced

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is Chapter 4! I did so much research while writing this chapter, trying to make sure I got things right. I was diagnosed with Absence-Epilepsy when I was young so I've never fully experienced a Grand Mal (tonic clonic) seizure but I really did want to make it as real as possible. 
> 
> This chap is from Vess' perspective and yeahhhh. I also realised that the chapters so far have been very doom and gloom so Chapter 5 will hopefully be a bit fluffier for y'all!
> 
> (P.S the medication listed on Josh's epilepsy tag is actually real! Zarontin was the medication I took for 2 1/2 years to stop my seizures)
> 
> Thanks and happy reading
> 
> ~SomewhereDowntown

Vess was sitting at dinner, eating his caesar salad contentedly, talking to his friend Ashley with Reg chiming in at random points. He had just finished all of the chicken in his bowl and was about to start on the croutons when he heard the screech of a chair being pushed over the floor.

 

Vess and Ashley turned around to see what the noise was.

A boy he'd never seen before was standing feet away from his table, obviously _he_ was the one that had pushed his chair away. It was lying, toppled over, on the floor next to him.

 

‘His name is Josh,’ Titled supplied helpfully, his voice inside Vess’ head,  ‘He’s the one Tyler was talking about.’

 

Josh’s adams apple bobbed up and down before he retched loudly, making Vess cringe. He hoped the boy wouldn’t actually be sick. He hated vomit. He couldn't help it. The thought of half-digested food and bile making its way up someone's throat and pouring out of their mouth. Ew. Vess shivered, skin crawling.

 

He retched again.

 

Josh was clawing at his neck and collar now, looking like he was suffocating, backing away from the rest of the room as his nails went scratch, scratch, scratch.

 

Suddenly, violently, he pulled his hoodie and shirt over his head. A long, lean, muscular torso was exposed but soon as the clothes were on the ground the panicking boy began to wail. A low, moaning that made the hairs on the back of Vess’ neck prickle.

 

It got louder and louder until terrified screaming was echoing around the room and people were looking nervously at their neighbours. What was going on?

 

Josh had backed himself into the corner of the room, scared eyes flicking across the crowd that was starting to form. Still screaming that terrible scream he covered his head with his arms. As the scream went on and on, words began to discern themselves from the onslaught of noise.

 

‘Pain, drugs, Gee, I want to die, I want to die, please just let me die’.  The words were being jumbled together and twisted around, playing on repeat, the panic freezing the boy’s brain and turning his tongue to lead.

 

Vess walked forward, absently pushing people aside as he walked towards the corner of the room where Josh was crouched.

 

‘Hey, honey?’

 

No response. Vess crouched down

 

Josh was shaking violently now, mumbled words slipping from chapped lips. Vess reached out and placed a hand on Josh’s cheek, putting the other on his shoulder.

 

Vess was speaking softly now, saying anything comforting that came to mind. Anything to calm this beautiful boy down.

 

Bloodshot brown eyes flicked up to his own for a split second before they glassed over and rolled back into Josh’s head.

 

He was still holding the panicking boys face when he slumped down and the convulsions started racking his body. He was tensed up, muscles contracting in rapid bursts and his head was jerking to the right again and again and again and again, not stopping. Vess then noticed the thin chain around Josh’s neck.

 

If that chain got caught Josh could choke. Shit. Shit. Shit.

 

His hands scrabbled at the fine braided metal, unable to find purchase on Josh’s sweat slicked skin. A few minutes felt like hours as Vess fought to get the chain off of the shaking boy. Then suddenly, unbelievably, Vess felt the necklace slip over Josh’s head and swing free. A simple silver cross pendant and something that looked like an army dog tag hung from the chain, swaying from side to side as Vess held it up to look at.

 

The necklace metal was dirty and worn but still obvious in its beauty, three silk-thin strands of silver braided together. A pleasant humming filled Vess’ mind as he stared at the cross. If he had paid a little more attention to the tags he would have seen the words engraved onto them; _Joshua William Dun, 18, Narcotic Induced Epilepsy, Zarontin_.

 

Josh’s head made a resounding crack as it hit the tile.

 

Vess woke up.

 

The cross and tags were put aside.

 

People around them had started to panic, ripples of conversation flowing through the restless crowd, though no one took any steps towards the pair in the corner of the room.

 

‘Everybody get back!’ Vess yelled, pulling Josh’s discarded hoodie and shirt towards him with one hand. He quickly bundled the clothes up into a little pillow and placed it under Josh’s head. Spit was dribbling in spurts out of the right corner of his mouth as his body continued jerking and shaking.

 

‘I mean it, get back!’ He yelled again, Reg taking over.

 

He took his hands off of the boy seizing on the ground and began shooing back the crowd angrily. ‘This isn’t here for your entertainment! He’s probably in pain and all you can do is watch? Fucking call someone! What the hell are you all doing?! Gaskarth, Smith, Walker get them out of here!’.

 

The guards, hearing the yells of their names, finally left their posts and began to herd the frightened patients towards the doors of the cafeteria. The work having been done, Reg ceded control back to Vess.

 

Josh was shaking violently now, his head banging hard against the small bundle of clothes separating him and the floor.

 

‘Shit. No, honey, don’t do that’ Vess breathed to himself as he pulled Josh up by his armpits and rested his head in his lap. Josh’s mouth was hanging open pathetically as he shook.

 

Spit mixed with blood (Josh had bitten his tongue), was glistening on Vess' exposed thigh. He sat alone on the hard tile and slowly stroked his finger along the boys hairline, tracing the line over and over.

 

Back and forth went Vess’ finger and back and forth spasmed Josh’s body.

 

Vess looked up as he heard the echoing sound of running footsteps.

 

Doctor Urie burst through the double doors on the left hand side of the room, cursing angrily at the failed patient alarm, shocked to find _Tyler_ alone with Josh in his lap.

 

Then again, maybe not Tyler. Doctor Urie took in the boys appearance. High-waisted shorts, white shirt tucked in, blue and white floral kimono over the top, makeup done perfectly. No. Not Tyler.

 

‘Vess?’

 

The boy on the floor just nodded, turning his head to make eye contact with Urie and holding out a hand as a sign not to come any closer. The doctor ignored him and knelt down next to the pair. Vess returned to stroking Josh’s sweaty forehead.

 

Doctor Urie tapped out a message on his pager.

 

Vess began to speak.

 

Josh seized on the floor.

 

‘Shhhh honey, shhhhh’ Vess cooed in a soft voice, ‘You’re alright Josh, you’ll be okay soon. Come on honey you’re safe now.’

 

Josh’s convulsions seemed to have reached their peak, shuddering and jerking faster and more violently than before. Little hoarse, gasping, bubbly noises were coming from Josh’s throat and vomit began to drip grossly from his mouth. Vess inhaled sharply as the substance hit his skin. A mix of puke and bloody spit was running down Vess’ thigh and leeching into his socks.

 

It was disgusting.

 

He focused his mind back on Josh, murmuring pretty sounds even though Vess knew they probably had no effect.

 

He kept doing it anyway.

 

The murmured words slowly turned into a song. The words were nonsense but nobody listening cared. A car, hearts in a jars and seatbelts, a torch, the devil, a death, love. Vess sang about it all.

 

After what seemed like an age of songs Josh’s muscles slumped and relaxed. It was over.

 

Doctor Urie took control briskly.

 

‘Vess, hey. You did such a good job of looking after him but you need to listen to me now. He’s thrown up which means that while he’s lying on his back the vomit could block his airways and he could choke. I need you to turn him onto his side for me.’

 

Vess, shaking his head a little as if to clear away voices, did as he was told to do. Doctor Urie produced a pair of blue sterile plastic gloves from his coat pocket and proceed to reach his fingers inside Josh’s mouth.

 

Vomit was pulled unceremoniously from Josh’s throat as he lay unconscious on the floor, Vess trying not to shudder as flecks of it hit his exposed skin.

 

Josh have a splutter once the doctor was finished. His eyes blinked blearily open, hazy and confused. His words were slurred and almost incoherent.

 

‘Wh’ happ’n’d?’ He mumbled, his eyes slipping blankly around the room. He didn’t seem to be comprehending anything. He tried to move into a sitting up position but Vess quickly lay him down, the back of Josh’s head resting on Vess’ thighs once again.

 

Doctor Urie moved so he was in Josh’s line of sight and began to ask basic questions, checking for reactions.

 

‘Hey there Josh, do you remember where you are?’

 

Josh gave another incoherent response choosing instead to close his eyes and make a little hum-sigh noise.

 

Vess stroked along Josh’s jawline. Josh gave a tired groan.

 

‘Hey, honey, hey. You need to keep looking at me alright? I know you’re probably really tired right now but I need you to talk and answer some questions for me. Okay?’

 

Josh opened his eyes again and groaned in response, rubbing his hand over his face. Vess took it as a sign of agreement and continued.

 

‘Do you remember where you are honey?’ Vess asked, repeating Urie’s question from before.

 

‘Din’rr’ Josh replied, still not enunciating clearly but gaining coherence. Vess smiled down at him.

 

‘That’s good that you remember honey! Can you tell me your name?’

 

‘Josh. Fuck, m’head hurts.’ He replied slurring his words again, his eyelids drooping.

 

Vess looked to Doctor Urie who was still sitting next to the pair. Urie, noticing Vess’ eyes on him, looked up from his pager. ‘Hey Urie? He’s answered enough questions hasn’t he? He knows where he is and knows his name isn’t that enough?He’s obviously exhausted and needs to sleep.’

 

The older man sighed, having had too much experience with Vess to even think that he’d take no for an answer.

 

‘Okay.’

 

Vess shot a kilowatt smile at the doctor, moving the barley awake Josh into a sitting position gently. Josh was almost a dead weight leaning heavily against Vess’ chest but the boy was able to lift Josh with only a small amount of difficulty. Once Vess was standing steadily, Doctor Urie passed up Josh’s discarded clothes and the fine silver necklace.

 

Vess placed the clothing on Josh’s stomach, holding him bridal style as he walked out of the cafeteria and into the hallway beyond. There was a crowd waiting outside the doors, clamouring for a look at the crazy boy and the new one. Josh was mumbling nonsense into Vess’ kimono as they were unwillingly paraded past the crowd of patients.

 

A short punk-looking boy Vess hadn’t seen before gave a gasp of ‘Josh?’ as he was carried by, but Vess didn’t stop to talk.

 

When they finally reached the door, Vess hummed slightly, swiping the keycard Reg had stolen from one of the guards last week. Josh was snoring gently, his head resting in the crook of Vess’ shoulder. The door was kicked open by a Tims covered foot and Josh was placed gently down onto the navy cotton bedsheets. He gave another hum-sigh noise as Vess took off the shoes he’d been wearing and pulled a blanket over him. A murmured, almost incoherent, sleepy thank you sounded from beneath the bundle of blankets.

 

‘You’re welcome.’ Vess went to respond but was cut off by Josh’s soft snores.

 

‘I guess he’s sleeping in his jeans.’ Reg laughed, talking inside of Vess’ head.

 

‘Well I’m not taking his pants off while he’s asleep!’ Vess retorted, speaking out loud. ‘I’ll wait ‘till he knows my name at least.’ He tacked on, laughing a little.

 

He moved to sit the the padded chair at Josh’s bare desk, watching the slow, even rise and fall of Josh’s freckly, tanned shoulders. He looked a far cry from the hollow cheeked, open mouthed epilepsy patient he had been only minutes before.

 

As the sounds of Josh’s snoring filled the slowly darkening room, Vess began to doze. Within a minute, he too, was dead to the world.

 

Doctor Urie smiled when he came to check on the pair. He backed slowly out of the room, shutting the door with a soft _snap_ , leaving the boys to sleep.

 

His husband was waiting at home with their kids and they were waiting for stories. Boy, did he have a story to tell. 


End file.
